Here I am again in Limbo, 因爲往緬甸的簽證再次莫名其妙的要我等。Hence I spend my days visiting people and preparing lessons in advance. Today I decided to stay home to read a book on lent to me by a volunteer counsellor. So I spent the afternoon finishing "Recovered Grace: Schizophrenia" by Harris Ng, who tells of his personal struggle with the disease, surviving four breakdowns (three relapses) and finally overcoming it, and even becoming a care-giver to mental patients.
His encounters remind me of several persons I have come across (I had never realised there were so many!) There was SM, from my final batch of army recruits just before I finished fulltime national service. When he went berserk, I was already out of the army, but was informed by his camp-mates. My visit to Woodbridge was exactly as Harris described: 20-30 pairs of hands strecthed towards you along the fenced corridors, concurrent with the relentless rattle of "Jit Kak, Jit Kak...(10 cents or 一角in Hokkien)". It was habitual for the "inmates" but frightening for the initial visitor.
Harris wrote about misjudgment of his mental case as demonic and the disastrous assumption of successful spiritual deliverence in a charismatic church. The case of SF, a young Malaysian girl in her twenties who studied in Taipei, was the exact opposite. Her onset was too sudden and not traceable to any likely factors, eg stress. In fact it could be traced to a spiritual cause, and she regained her sanity after a week of prayer without medication. But unfortunately, she had a relapse after returning to her school; doctors diagnosed her as suffering from 宗教幻想症 (religious hallucination) and she was never allowed to contact our church again. It's been more than 2 years, and she has not recovered. I have personally seen a successful case - of a 17-year-old girl who recovered perfectly without medication, after on month of prayer. Afterwhich, she completed her polytechnic studies, went overseas to obtain her undergraduate and post-graduate degrees. She is now working. No relapse.
In the initial period of Harris' illness, he struggled with religious loyalties. He asked within himself: "Mum, if I were to accept Jesus as real and take Him into my heart as Lord, would I have condemned you to Hell?" Immediately, 19-year-old "B" from Taiwan came to mind. Two years ago, he was torn between true Christian doctrine and the teachings of the Latter Day Saints, and suffered a few mental breakdowns. Doctors barred him from all religious activities. Now he seems to have recovered, but baptised a Mormon. Nevertheless his inquisitve mind found opportunity to ask me some questions when I met him 4 months ago. He genuinely wanted answers - as a perfectionist and one always impatient to get to the bottom of things. As he agonised over the answers, he suddenly asked: "我是不是想太多？我多麽希望能像其他同年齡的孩子，不必為這些事煩惱”。But he has now learnt to relax, and let go. But this means taking the path of least resistance. This means remaining status quo. We still chat occassionally on msn. Once he said, "How I wish you are Mormon". I replied,"How I wish you are TJC".
We catch a glimpse of similar sentiment in Harris' book: "The belief systems of the world were strange, chaotic and dark. They lead to inherent conflicts and disagreement. Again, I knew I was a kind of a prefectionist to have said that. I wanted to reconcile all the different beliefs and to cast conflicts and bloodshed into the oceans. I wished for a peaceful, perfect world where there were no tears. Somehow I knew this could not come about here on Earth, the world would battle and fight. There was sadness sown deep in my eyes. It was a heavy burden laden upon my shoulders. I pondered over the clash of civilisations. Although my two colleagues were working together, they never shared the same perception in life. They eat at different tables, one would fear the presence of pork in the menu and the other would feel an extreme discomfort if he saw anyone consuming beef. The world itself is schizophrenic... "
Recently, I was led to a one-room flat in Toa Payoh, where Alfred lives. A bachelor in his 50s, he thinks he is seriosly ill, drinks only distilled water, feeds his scrawny body with a special diet. He said God is keeping him alive to torture him. He called this "predestination". Sounds like Harris, who asked:"Am I predestined to be a mental case, to go through all the sufferrings?" How Satan uses biblical concepts to confuse and deceive!
When I read of Harris' recovery even after 4 breakdowns due to default in medication, I wished that M would quickly do something for her daughter who sunk into mental illness, shutting herself in her room, refusing to eat. She was on the road to recovery under the treatment of IMH, but the doctor warned that should she default on her medication, she would need to be dependant on medication for life once a relapse happens. She stopped her medication for about 2 months. Then she had a relapse...
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