我不是 I am not

約翰福音有九次出自耶穌「我是」的宣告：七次是形容祂為要救我們所扮演的角色（生命的糧；世界的光；羊的門；好牧人；復活與生命；道路、真理與生命；好葡萄樹）；兩次是所謂「絕對性的『我是』」(約八24、58)，爲了表明祂就是舊約「自有永有」 (I am that I am) 的神。反之，約翰第一章裏面有一段施洗和一些人對話，記載他連續三次說「我不是」，可以聯想主耶穌的僕人，在事奉時所該存的心態：

我不是基督 (v.20) ，唯獨耶穌才是！我給他解鞋帶也不配（v.27）
我不是什麽先知 (v.21)，不要什麽頭銜，只要作信徒的好弟兄、好同伴
我只是聲音 (v23) ， 是短暫的，一出就消失；只為了介紹真光（v.7-8)

耶穌基督是真光，要常照世人！(v.9)

The Myth of "Christ-Mass"

「聖誕節」- 把神話當真

What the world calls "Christmas" is a two-fold myth. First, Christ wasn't born on December 25, and second, "Mass" is a Roman Catholic counterfeit to the Lord's Supper. By using the name "Christmas", non-Catholic Christians unwittingly concede to the popish Mass. This post limits the discussion to the first myth.

「聖誕節」純屬神話，是羅馬教假借基督教編出來的神話。首先，基督根本不是在十二曰25日誕生，第二， "Christmas" 的字義是「基督的彌撒」，而「彌撒」是天主教發明的一種教儀，根本不是來自聖經。在此只要説明基督並非12月25日誕生。

1)Mary and Joseph went to Bethlehem to register in a Roman census (Luke 2:1-4). The authorities were not so stupid as to conduct a census in winter, when near-freezing temperatures would make it impossible.
一、馬利亞與約瑟到伯利恆去報名上冊（路二2），羅馬政府不會笨到降旨要人在不可能上路的寒冬回鄉報戶口，而一事無成。

2)Shepherds were in the fields watching their flocks at the time of Jesus' birth (Luke 2:7-8). Again, the wintry temperature meant the shepherds would have sought shelter for their flocks at night.
二、耶穌誕生時，野地裡有牧羊的人，夜間看守羊群（路二8），絕對不可能在又寒冷又大量下雨的冬天發生。

3)Mary's cousin Elizabeth was sixth months pregnant when Jesus was conceived (Luke 1:24-36). Her husband Zacharias, was a priest serving in the Jerusalem temple during the course of Abijah (Luke 1:5), the 8th of 24 courses (1 Chron 24:10). It was during this time of temple service that Zacharias learned that he and his wife, Elizabeth, would have a child (Luke 1:8-13). After he completed his service and traveled home, Elizabeth conceived (verses 23-24). The courses,each lasting half a month most probably began with the 1st month of the religious calendar, Nisan (March/April), which means Elizabeth's conception was around June, and Mary's in December, thus Jesus would have been born in Sep or Oct. Alternatively, if the courses were based on the civil calendar, Mary would have conceived in June, and Jesus born in March.
三、馬利亞懷孕時，她的親戚以利沙伯已有6個月的身孕，其丈夫撒迦利亞乃屬比雅班班的祭司（路一5），是24班的第8班（代上廿四10）。按宗教年曆算，聖殿班次完畢回家，妻子懷孕，就是陽曆6月，由此推算，馬利亞就是12懷孕，9月生下耶穌。若按民間年曆計算，耶穌就誕生於陽曆3月。

God in His infinite wisdom, omitted the actual date of Christ's birth, for in the minds of true Christians, Jesus Christ is God Incarnate, the Everlasting Father, the Creator of the universe. Though He was a "Son", born unto us, He is without "beginning of days" or "end of life" (Heb 7:3); though born a babe in Bethlehem, His "goings forth are from of old, from everlasting" (Mic 5:2). And yes, no presumtuous astrologer can attach a zodiac sign to an birthdate.

真神無窮的智慧，不留下基督誕生日子的記載，因爲真基督徒心中的主耶穌基督，就是成肉身的神，永在的父，創造萬物的主。祂雖是「賜給我們」的「子」，卻是「無生之始，無命之終」（來七3）；雖是在伯利恆產下的嬰孩，「他的根源從亙古，從太初就有」（彌五2）。

Schizophrenia 經神分裂症

Here I am again in Limbo, 因爲往緬甸的簽證再次莫名其妙的要我等。

Hence I spend my days visiting people and preparing lessons in advance. Today I decided to stay home to read a book on lent to me by a volunteer counsellor. So I spent the afternoon finishing "Recovered Grace: Schizophrenia" by Harris Ng, who tells of his personal struggle with the disease, surviving four breakdowns (three relapses) and finally overcoming it, and even becoming a care-giver to mental patients.

His encounters remind me of several persons I have come across (I had never realised there were so many!) There was SM, from my final batch of army recruits just before I finished fulltime national service. When he went berserk, I was already out of the army, but was informed by his camp-mates. My visit to Woodbridge was exactly as Harris described: 20-30 pairs of hands strecthed towards you along the fenced corridors, concurrent with the relentless rattle of "Jit Kak, Jit Kak...(10 cents or 一角in Hokkien)". It was habitual for the "inmates" but frightening for the initial visitor.

Harris wrote about misjudgment of his mental case as demonic and the disastrous assumption of successful spiritual deliverence in a charismatic church. The case of SF, a young Malaysian girl in her twenties who studied in Taipei, was the exact opposite. Her onset was too sudden and not traceable to any likely factors, eg stress. In fact it could be traced to a spiritual cause, and she regained her sanity after a week of prayer without medication. But unfortunately, she had a relapse after returning to her school; doctors diagnosed her as suffering from 宗教幻想症 (religious hallucination) and she was never allowed to contact our church again. It's been more than 2 years, and she has not recovered. I have personally seen a successful case - of a 17-year-old girl who recovered perfectly without medication, after on month of prayer. Afterwhich, she completed her polytechnic studies, went overseas to obtain her undergraduate and post-graduate degrees. She is now working. No relapse.

In the initial period of Harris' illness, he struggled with religious loyalties. He asked within himself: "Mum, if I were to accept Jesus as real and take Him into my heart as Lord, would I have condemned you to Hell?" Immediately, 19-year-old "B" from Taiwan came to mind. Two years ago, he was torn between true Christian doctrine and the teachings of the Latter Day Saints, and suffered a few mental breakdowns. Doctors barred him from all religious activities. Now he seems to have recovered, but baptised a Mormon. Nevertheless his inquisitve mind found opportunity to ask me some questions when I met him 4 months ago. He genuinely wanted answers - as a perfectionist and one always impatient to get to the bottom of things. As he agonised over the answers, he suddenly asked: "我是不是想太多？我多麽希望能像其他同年齡的孩子，不必為這些事煩惱”。But he has now learnt to relax, and let go. But this means taking the path of least resistance. This means remaining status quo. We still chat occassionally on msn. Once he said, "How I wish you are Mormon". I replied,"How I wish you are TJC".

We catch a glimpse of similar sentiment in Harris' book: "The belief systems of the world were strange, chaotic and dark. They lead to inherent conflicts and disagreement. Again, I knew I was a kind of a prefectionist to have said that. I wanted to reconcile all the different beliefs and to cast conflicts and bloodshed into the oceans. I wished for a peaceful, perfect world where there were no tears. Somehow I knew this could not come about here on Earth, the world would battle and fight. There was sadness sown deep in my eyes. It was a heavy burden laden upon my shoulders. I pondered over the clash of civilisations. Although my two colleagues were working together, they never shared the same perception in life. They eat at different tables, one would fear the presence of pork in the menu and the other would feel an extreme discomfort if he saw anyone consuming beef. The world itself is schizophrenic... "

Recently, I was led to a one-room flat in Toa Payoh, where Alfred lives. A bachelor in his 50s, he thinks he is seriosly ill, drinks only distilled water, feeds his scrawny body with a special diet. He said God is keeping him alive to torture him. He called this "predestination". Sounds like Harris, who asked:"Am I predestined to be a mental case, to go through all the sufferrings?" How Satan uses biblical concepts to confuse and deceive!

When I read of Harris' recovery even after 4 breakdowns due to default in medication, I wished that M would quickly do something for her daughter who sunk into mental illness, shutting herself in her room, refusing to eat. She was on the road to recovery under the treatment of IMH, but the doctor warned that should she default on her medication, she would need to be dependant on medication for life once a relapse happens. She stopped her medication for about 2 months. Then she had a relapse...

The Beach Boys

Yesterday I visited them again - the few men in their twilight years whom I dubbed "The Beach Boys" when I first met them more than two years ago. The name was out of convenience, since they lived in the same block of one-room flats at Beach Road.

Walter, almost seventy, used to work as a singer. He was baptised last month - a pleasant surprise to me, for I remember him having some doubts about a year ago when I came back for term break. Now he seems determined to stick to his new-found faith.

I heard about Xxng's demise when I was still in Taiwan - another surprise, for the quiet, honest looking, fifty-something bachelor who spoke Cantonese, had died of AIDS. I was told yesterday, that he was dragged by his frends to patronise a whorehouse for the first time when he received his CPF money about 3 years ago. Good for him that before the HIV dealt a fatal blow, he had stumbled into the fold of the One who forgave prostitutes. I'd like to teach him to sing: "Grace, grace, God's grace, grace that is greater than all my sin". Who knows, perhaps he's already prefected the pitch under the tutorage of some angel.

Then there's Axxxxx, who rejoices that he doesn't have to continue to live in regret. Though some mistake in his personal history resulted in his estrangement from his family, now he is never really alone, whether in his one-room flat or out cycling on his bike. Constantly keeping him company is his long list of prayers and scriptures memorised and meditated upon over the recent years. He can stand on the this side of sanity and talk about others - in this neighbourhood of old folks - who have yet to find solace in the Saviour.

My heart rests with the comfortable assurance that GOD IS LOVE.

無電月更明

在仰光的最後幾天，晚上又停電了。那時我不想又在燭光下看書，乾脆出去納涼，看到深藍的空中懸著七分圓的月亮，當時覺得整個畫面很迷人，趕緊去拿相機把它拍下。

可能因爲過幾天就要回家，所以人在異鄉看月亮也不會「地頭思故鄉」。當然，如果望久一點，不缺情感的我多少會產生一點詩意，但那時只是來不及打蚊子。

隔天晚上又停電，那時更晚了，天已不是深藍，而是變得黑漆漆，提摩太傳道在旁邊問：「聽説新加坡的城市裡，沒有機會看到很多星星，對嗎？」我回答說：「是的，月也沒有這裡的亮。」隨後進屋内拿相機，但因爲太暗，拍起來不好看，只能把「無電月更明」的事實存在心裡。

"St Lazarus, pray for us"

有一天晚上，仰光又停電，學生們問我要不要同他們去散步，其實我很想，可是急著備課，尤其沒電需要更多時間，所以就沒去。

學生們回來後一陣子，我走出房門跟他們聊天，看到其中一位，胸上有一張貼紙，把它撕下來看，原來圖案是一個拿拐杖f的人，上方有英文字：“ST. LAZARUS PRAY FOR US”。他們說是附近天主教堂迎接“Christmas” 的方式，就是看到人就貼上這sticker, 還有喝酒賭博呢！

在此先不談“Christmas”，也不談喝酒賭博。但我覺得這些人請拉撒路為他們代禱真的太扯了。首先，他只是耶穌比喻中的人物，非屬真實，如果拉撒路可算是聖人，可爲人代禱，那麽，好撒瑪利亞人豈不更是？

再説，在拉撒路的比喻中，他根本無法幫那財主，好選不選，怎麽選他當代禱人？這些濫用主名喝酒賭博的天主教徒，怎麽能得到幫助？

往哪裏去？

緬甸免電

緬甸的電源完全來自水力，只有雨季時才全日有電能。上個月去的時候，雨季剛過不久，還能享有兩天不中斷的電，但第三天傍晚，在浴室裏突然沒電，一片黑暗，心裏正想，摸索洗澡也蠻刺激，就有人敲門送來一根小蠟燭。從那天起，蠟燭便隨時派上用場，因爲電能供應無定時，完全沒有警告就停電，而且一天可能停幾次。

有一晚，學生們正準備考試，還沒動筆就停電，只得靠燭光寫考卷，這是我有生以來首次看到的。

接下來的日子，每天停電，而有電的時間越來越短，在那4個星期裏，沒電的時間超過有電的時間。不解的是，很多時候是白天有電，晚上沒電，所以幾乎每天晚上學生們要在燭光下溫習功課，討論作業等。我也常靠閃爍的燭光備課，起初很不習慣，所以用小型手電筒補光，然而，一週後，眼睛適應了，覺得燭光還蠻亮的。

還好我不完全依賴電腦，所以沒電也照樣備課，寫講章。有時乾脆早點睡覺，等黎明才繼續。有時晚上九點以前，就上牀休息，淩晨3點電來了，就爬起來工作，所以那段日子的作息，可說是隨著電能的供應。

我很希奇爲什麽學生當中沒有一個需要戴眼鏡的。我們這些先進都市的居民，有足夠的燈光，營養又充足，視力反倒不佳。有電，反倒眼睛被電所害？電腦、電視、蠟燭，那個才是眼睛的損友？



燭光晚餐，也是緬甸生活的常態，並且吃的時候要憑信心，不憑眼見，因爲桌上燭光引昆蟲，桌下蚊香驅蚊子。

等待

昨天下午從緬甸回來，這次去了4個星期，是最久的一次，也是在去之前受到最大阻擋的一次。

之前簽證都是透過旅行社辦，去了10幾次，從來沒問題，這回第一次自己到大使館去申請，卻一直碰釘子，不知何故，就是問東問西，去了三次，重新填了6次的表格，連tourist visa 也不批下！

第一次，我把表格交上後，誒，怎麽還叫我坐下等，從早上11點等到下午12點45分。因爲已經跟人約好吃午餐，所以到櫃檯問問看：

「先生，你的櫃檯顯示CLOSED FOR LUNCH，我也需要去lunch appointment，可不可以先去吃飯再回來等？」

「你不早說！」

我心裏想，這跟早說不早說有什麽關聯？難道不說就不用吃飯，呆呆的繼續等，並且，要等什麽？

隨後他把我的申請表格還給我，說：「你需要申請商務簽證」

「但是我不是去辦商務呀。。。」

他才不管，我也只好摸摸鼻子走了。

兩天後再去，。。。又等呀等呀。。。到3點多也不敢離開。之後，同樣那位仁兄還怪說我跑掉，讓他找不到我。事實上，我一步也沒離開過！Good heavens, what is happening?

滿腔熱血期待趕緊投入聖工，神卻要我等待，而等待的功夫實在不容易，尤其莫名奇妙的等待，存有許多未知數的等待，不知何時結束的等待。。。

星期一將再申請 visa 去緬甸，希望一切順利，19日能再去，我計劃一次逗留3個月。

Anyhow, 等待是我的功課，幾學分是未知數。

寄居蟹爬出貝殼啦！

Hermit crab out of its shell !

以前很想養咸水魚，因爲顔色鮮豔美麗，但5年前開始潛水後就打消了念頭。Why? 因爲養魚者是在魚缸外賞魚，而潛水員猶如進入大魚缸内觀賞，甚至與魚兒互動。更重要，看到海族在遼闊的海中自由自在，覺得這才是值得欣賞的生態。 幾週前，買了寄居蟹回來，送給5嵗的崇真當寵物，也沒有想太多，但後來卻有點心虛，就自我安慰，說：「寄居蟹本來就自我限制，生活的範圍就是所寄居的殼子裡，所以養在玻璃缸裡不算約束牠的自由」。其實那時心中很清楚，在大自然與在魚缸裡是大有差別的。

今天下午崇真突然急忙地從樓上跑下來客廳，喊著說：「趕快為寄居蟹找新貝殼，牠從貝殼出來啦！」趕緊上去看，天啊，牠像活得不耐煩似的，真的爬出殼外，而那原屬一種螺的殼，毫無生命地就擺在身邊。

仔細看，其實我們的寵物長大了，雖然賣牠的人說一年後才需要換殼，但剛好買到這隻換殼時間快到的蟹。可是整閒房子都找不到適合的殼讓牠住，如果牠仍在野外，肯定懂得為自己找殼子，但現在被困在魚缸裡，牠無奈，我也無奈。嗨！我不但剝奪了牠的自由，可能
會剝奪了牠的生存機會！

明天得為蟹兄找個較大的貝殼家，但我心裡更堅定地認爲，活在大自然裡的動物 ，才是真正活潑可愛，就像生長在野地的花，比插在花瓶裡的更加燦爛。委屈你了，蟹大哥！

兩個小男孩

昨天到Telok Kurau教會參加印尼同靈團契，看到一個兩嵗的小男孩，在喝奶前，抱著奶瓶，眼睛緊閉，很虔誠地感謝禱告；不是大人念一句他念一句，是他自己直接向主禱告，而且持續蠻久，沒有中斷，比一般大人飯前禱告還久呢！看他動著小小的嘴巴，和他那虔誠的表情，真令人感動。人常以爲小孩子不可能有信心，我絕不同意！我也看一看他的父母親，是一對很年輕的夫妻，心中非常欽佩他們。

結束後有人帶我去訪問一戶家庭，媽媽是十幾年前從外地嫁過來新加坡的信徒，爸爸不是信徒，兩位女兒最近才來慕道，尚未受洗，最小的是三嵗大的男生，完全沒接觸過教會，完全沒有信仰基礎。据了解，爸爸曾說兩位女兒去信耶穌他不管，但是唯一的兒子絕不許受洗。我看到那小男孩，他有點緊張、還苦著臉，幾乎快要鬧情緒的樣子，因爲對他來説，我們都是陌生人！

我很自然想起那位兩嵗的小男孩，覺得他比這位大他一嵗的哥哥還要懂事，至少他懂得禱告。同一天，前後遇見這兩個小男孩，一個讓人感動，一個令人心酸。明明是信徒生的小孩，可以有機會從小培養敬虔，但卻真的是「三嵗的小孩」，什麽都不懂，連向耶穌禱告也不會。

我能為你做什麽？

離開台灣已經第四天了，但我還是一直想起離開的那天。。。正好是安息日，早上聚會後突然看到你坐在最後一排， 脫口問你：「怎麽來了？」。不是你該不該來，是我心中很難過，我到底何德何能，讓你老遠特地跑來找我，實在我也不能為你做什麽。

你看起來有輕微的學習障礙，但你卻很聰明，聼你母親形容，不懂得醫學的我只能猜是輕微的自閉症。我是在一次隨著教會的訪問組到淡水河對岸的八里鄉，去你家裡探訪你生病的母親，無意中遇見你。只那麽一次，當時你還皺著眉頭，不愛與我們交談，我也沒有做什麽，只是鼓勵你做一些有用的事，做個讓別人喜歡的人。誰知離開後，你就一直設法找我，真的 track me down，我在復興鄉第一次接到你打去教會找我，真的很驚訝，後來你還打到別人的手機、別人的家、淡水教會，甚至有辦法向執事要了我的手機號碼，幾次淩晨1-2點也打來。

我不是不願意幫你，也不是怕累，我曾想過，130幾年前加拿大的馬偕博士，從淡水河登岸，到滬尾、八里那帶，不怕辛苦，挨打挨駡，爲了宣傳基督的愛，我怎能不關心你這位小兄弟？其實我一直在問：「我能為你做什麼？」主耶穌亦曾問：「要我為你們做什麼？」（太廿32），也唯有祂才能為你成就一切事。

在電話中，還有那天安息日，你告訴我，外面的朋友說你沒用，是渣滓，我聼了好心疼。事實上，你很聰明，只是這二十幾年來，缺乏特殊教育的栽培，實在很可惜。你需要有人長時間，耐心地給你輔導，你是天父的孩子，希望教會裡的爸爸、媽媽、兄姐們，懷著天父的慈心，作你的保姆（帖前二7、11）。

送別

長亭外古道邊
芳草碧連天
晚風拂柳笛聲殘
夕陽山外山
天之涯地之交
知交半零落
一壺濁酒盡餘歡
今宵別夢寒

本來就不太喜歡人多的環境，所以結束在國外三年的生涯，也不期盼多人來送別，更不喜歡任何歡送節目。感謝主，6月結業後沒有立刻回鄉，留在臺灣實習，到了昨天回國的時候，學弟們都已經開學，同學們已經被差派去駐牧，所以沒有一大群人來送機，只有2位不熟悉的弟兄從松山送我到桃園機場。

記得三年前到臺灣時，手裏拿著一位素不認識的弟兄的名字，是他被安排來接機，後來才知道，他也很想當神學生，只是一直沒機會。感謝主，在我二年級那年，他終于成爲神學院的新生。其實，原想說，讓這位第一次接機的學弟最後送機，有始有終，也蠻有意思的。但事情的變遷，最後不是從台中而是從松山離開，所以就沒讓他送。不過9月18日需要返新幾天，是他與另一位姐妹給我送行，雖然不是最後一次的離開，也可算為一種有始有終吧！

昨天真的要離開已住了3年的臺灣，班機又延後1個多小時，只好一個人在登機門附近的免稅商店徘徊，吃最後的晚餐。很吊柜的，因爲有3年之久的回憶伴著我，心裏才覺得有點孤單。

淡水濃情

淡水是個好地方，有山、有水、有文化氣氛，生活非常寫意。更可貴的，淡水教會的同靈們非常有人情味，令人覺得很溫馨。自從9月1日到這裡實習，讓我踫到太多可愛的弟兄姐妹，並且，我較熟悉的機位當中，大多數曾經歷過非凡的憂傷痛苦，但現在生命中顯路出來的，卻是令人羡慕的喜樂和平安。他們對信仰非常認真，做聖工又很賣力，但也很會找機會休閒、娛樂，玩的時候就盡情地玩，享受彼此的陪同，促進之間的友情，他們有一位班長，是一位50幾嵗的執事，大家都叫他「大哥」。

我實在很有幸的被納入他們之中，被邀請與他們去郊遊、到他們家吃飯；相聚時有說有笑，也讓我聽到他們的個人信仰歷程，怎麽從心酸、淒慘的歲月進入如今的美景。與他們共處的這些日子，我實在過的很開心，很充實，故此給他們7人起名為「歡樂團」。

其實我還沒來之前，他們已經時常聚集，彼此交流、扶持。9月中我需要回國一趟，我不在的時候，有一次他們一起在外面用餐，吃到一家美食，竟然想起我來，說一定要帶我去吃。9月21日返台，他們一位團員去機場接我，回到淡水已經7點多，還以爲晚餐就我們倆簡單解決，不料，歡樂團全體在等我，都還沒吃，已經約好同我一塊兒去吃那天所發現的美食。真的好溫馨好溫馨，雖然離開家鄉，仍然有回家的感覺。

除了歡樂團以外，也有好幾戶信徒請我到家裏吃飯，他們都住在教堂周邊。其實許多信徒都住在那社區，每天走路到會堂禱告、打掃、值班，所以在路上隨便走，都會遇到弟兄姐妹，真的好棒！

還有很多很多，如看到我用PDA，就花時間把好用的東西整理，燒成光碟給我；不小心丟了相機，晚上就有人敲門，把兩台相機帶來借我；還有那位幫我查詢哪兒有好價格買到好像機，又載我到臺北市去買的那弟兄；還有下午幫忙開車去作訪問的弟兄，趁早上有空檔就開車帶我去爬山，雖然那天起霧，看不到山，但那朦朧的景色，猶如仙境。

The Potter and the Clay

Yesterday, a brother passed me a portfolio of artists on the north coast of Taiwan (北海岸藝術家), mainly working with glass, stone and clay, including himself, a potter.

My mind couldn't help but flash back to the time when I was exploring pottery, keen to understand experientially the words of Isaiah (64:8):

ועתה יהוה אבינו אתה אנחנו החמר ואתה יצרנו ומעשׂה ידך כלנו׃

But now, O LORD, Thou art our Father; we are the clay, and Thou our potter, and we all are the work of Thy hand.

耶和華啊，現在你仍是我們的父！我們是泥，你是窯匠；我們都是你手的工作。

Working with clay is not at all easy! It's messy and oftentimes, risky and therefore frustrating. That's when the piece doesn't turn out the way you want. But you go back to the wheel again, hoping afresh, as you watch the clay take form between your coaxing fingers. Sometimes you go along with the unintended effects, compromising your design , and get pleasant surprises.

God did not simply command man into existence, but lovingly fashioned him according to His design. Even now He shapes and moulds us, sometimes going along with our stubborn ways, allowing mistakes (not His doing but ours). Nonetheless, He always coaxes us back into form, working around our flaws ever so skillfully and patiently. Indeed we are His workmanship, His masterpiece, fearfully and wonderfully made (Eph 2:10; Ps 139:14).

種花

最近認識了一對半退休的夫婦，先生滿腔熱誠，想到什麽就做什麽，太太很柔和，相當細心，one is candid, the other, calculated。不久前，先生向人家要了百多棵杜鵑花，想把它們栽在教堂的花園裡，也叫了幾個好友來幫忙。

未動工前，他太太向他反應，杜鵑花只在三月開放，還是不要種好了。先生卻説：「花哪兒有常年都開的呀？！」太太很溫和的解釋：「這裡有些花開的比較久，再説，杜鵑花的葉子也不好看，所以不開花時，真的會破壞這兒的美觀」。

「可是開花的時候妳就知道它漂亮啦。」

「是，是，不過一年只開一次花。。。」

「花豈有每個月都開的呀？好啦，換個位置。。。這裡不很明顯，總可以吧？」

先生隨身就挑起工具，到較後邊開始挖泥土。太太連忙阻止，因爲會擋倒了一些更漂亮的植物。先生很不解，説道：「爲什麽不好？擋到的也是葉子呀！」

「你聼我說，這裡有幾種不同的植物，有紅、有綠，有高、有低，是故意搭配的。你把人家擋住，真的不好看。」

站在旁邊的人也表示同意，勸他三思。

「但我辛辛苦苦，忙了整個下午，把這百多棵整理好，也載來了，豈不都成了費功夫？還有，這麽好的花免費得到，外面一棵賣千多塊，扔了太可惜！」

如果花兒會說話，不知會發出什麽心聲？花的美，到底在於它天然、純樸、單獨的美，還是需要整體花園的設計和其他花草的搭配？Is beauty in the eye of the beholder, or is it intrinsic beauty that matters, regardless of anything else? 或者野地的花，才是最漂亮？

後來，先生只好順著大家的意見，放棄種花的工程，他非常不捨地把杜鵑再放進車子，開到他晨運的地方，把心愛的花放下，寫了一張紙條：送給愛花者/請自取。

澎湖的黃昏

上星期在澎湖玩了4天，戲水、採集、游泳、吹海風。。。最後一晚原本要看日落，可惜夕陽被密雲遮住而看不到。即便這樣，我的腦海中彷彿出現了美麗迷人的晚霞；從懂事以來，黃昏對我來講，是那麽充滿魅力，我喜歡黃昏，以及它所帶來惆悵的感覺。

性情中人，就是這樣子，若不是認識了主，我生命的太陽，早就埋沒在潮汐中了。

亞伯拉罕獻以撒

昨天早上邊吃早餐邊看GoodTV，正在播放天國英雄版，亞伯拉罕獻以撒的故事。先看到他年老無子的痛苦、等待的熬煉、後來，得子的興奮。There is a consistent thread throughout the story - 他的絕對順服。有一幕，他正獻羊羔的時候，以撒來到他身邊，父子倆異口同心說一定要把最好的獻上，亞伯拉罕還加上一句，主的話要絕對順從，一說完，神就要他獻以撒！

看到亞伯拉罕獻愛子的傷痛，有很深很深的感觸，也得到一個新的體會：其實，把以撒獻上，從另一個角度看，是把他交托於神；應許之民以色列至今仍存在，因爲他們的祖先把他們交付與慈悲憐憫有全能的神！

Suicide

Today (29 July) we had 2 sessions by Pr 吳豪 on suicide, which is on the rise in recent years. He mentioned something like “Complete handbook for killing yourself" on the internet.

The focus was pastoral, but for me, suicide had been enemy to evangelism. And the cases were not recent at all ! More than two decades ago!

First, my classmate stopped coming to church when his sister killed herself. H-n S-ng had been a regular for many months. Even his mum came for a few weeks and stopped burning incense to her idols. The sister's suicide was dramatic: She overdosed herself with sleeping pills but nothing happened. Then she cut her wrists. Still she didn't die. Then she threw herself down 9 floors to her death.

Then there was R-nn-e, a bright straight A's student. He came to church once or twice. We talked very now and then on religion. Then one Monday, our principal announced his demise over the school PA system. He hung himself on Sunday. Someone told me they found a book titled "101 ways to commit suicide". We were teenagers, barely 16. His story was frontpage news.

Suicide tendencies... To those passionate about soul-saving, indeed it's both an opportunity and a threat.

神的僕人

3年前，有人送我一本聖經，在裏面寫了：「當神的僕人、傳道，為師或為父，常在禱告、讀經、默想的一念之間」。幾個月前，一位傳道人面對幾位當教授的信徒，受到一些無理的事情，又生氣又無奈。我提出對付這些似乎看學術比真理還重要的人，要兇一點，他想了一下，之後說了一句：「不可以，我是傳道，他們是信徒，傳道對信徒要仁慈」。

最近，看到傳道人對山輔的學生，甚至參與事奉的人，非常嚴厲，同時也看到内心的那份關愛。真的，當神的僕人、傳道，為師或為父，常常是在一念之間，必須靠聖靈的帶領，學會拿捏。今天早上開始兩天的傳道者靈修會，得藉這時間好好思考思考。。。