我不是 I am not

約翰福音有九次出自耶穌「我是」的宣告：七次是形容祂為要救我們所扮演的角色（生命的糧；世界的光；羊的門；好牧人；復活與生命；道路、真理與生命；好葡萄樹）；兩次是所謂「絕對性的『我是』」(約八24、58)，爲了表明祂就是舊約「自有永有」 (I am that I am) 的神。反之，約翰第一章裏面有一段施洗和一些人對話，記載他連續三次說「我不是」，可以聯想主耶穌的僕人，在事奉時所該存的心態：

我不是基督 (v.20) ，唯獨耶穌才是！我給他解鞋帶也不配（v.27）
我不是什麽先知 (v.21)，不要什麽頭銜，只要作信徒的好弟兄、好同伴
我只是聲音 (v23) ， 是短暫的，一出就消失；只為了介紹真光（v.7-8)

耶穌基督是真光，要常照世人！(v.9)

The Myth of "Christ-Mass"

「聖誕節」- 把神話當真

What the world calls "Christmas" is a two-fold myth. First, Christ wasn't born on December 25, and second, "Mass" is a Roman Catholic counterfeit to the Lord's Supper. By using the name "Christmas", non-Catholic Christians unwittingly concede to the popish Mass. This post limits the discussion to the first myth.

「聖誕節」純屬神話，是羅馬教假借基督教編出來的神話。首先，基督根本不是在十二曰25日誕生，第二， "Christmas" 的字義是「基督的彌撒」，而「彌撒」是天主教發明的一種教儀，根本不是來自聖經。在此只要説明基督並非12月25日誕生。

1)Mary and Joseph went to Bethlehem to register in a Roman census (Luke 2:1-4). The authorities were not so stupid as to conduct a census in winter, when near-freezing temperatures would make it impossible.
一、馬利亞與約瑟到伯利恆去報名上冊（路二2），羅馬政府不會笨到降旨要人在不可能上路的寒冬回鄉報戶口，而一事無成。

2)Shepherds were in the fields watching their flocks at the time of Jesus' birth (Luke 2:7-8). Again, the wintry temperature meant the shepherds would have sought shelter for their flocks at night.
二、耶穌誕生時，野地裡有牧羊的人，夜間看守羊群（路二8），絕對不可能在又寒冷又大量下雨的冬天發生。

3)Mary's cousin Elizabeth was sixth months pregnant when Jesus was conceived (Luke 1:24-36). Her husband Zacharias, was a priest serving in the Jerusalem temple during the course of Abijah (Luke 1:5), the 8th of 24 courses (1 Chron 24:10). It was during this time of temple service that Zacharias learned that he and his wife, Elizabeth, would have a child (Luke 1:8-13). After he completed his service and traveled home, Elizabeth conceived (verses 23-24). The courses,each lasting half a month most probably began with the 1st month of the religious calendar, Nisan (March/April), which means Elizabeth's conception was around June, and Mary's in December, thus Jesus would have been born in Sep or Oct. Alternatively, if the courses were based on the civil calendar, Mary would have conceived in June, and Jesus born in March.
三、馬利亞懷孕時，她的親戚以利沙伯已有6個月的身孕，其丈夫撒迦利亞乃屬比雅班班的祭司（路一5），是24班的第8班（代上廿四10）。按宗教年曆算，聖殿班次完畢回家，妻子懷孕，就是陽曆6月，由此推算，馬利亞就是12懷孕，9月生下耶穌。若按民間年曆計算，耶穌就誕生於陽曆3月。

God in His infinite wisdom, omitted the actual date of Christ's birth, for in the minds of true Christians, Jesus Christ is God Incarnate, the Everlasting Father, the Creator of the universe. Though He was a "Son", born unto us, He is without "beginning of days" or "end of life" (Heb 7:3); though born a babe in Bethlehem, His "goings forth are from of old, from everlasting" (Mic 5:2). And yes, no presumtuous astrologer can attach a zodiac sign to an birthdate.

真神無窮的智慧，不留下基督誕生日子的記載，因爲真基督徒心中的主耶穌基督，就是成肉身的神，永在的父，創造萬物的主。祂雖是「賜給我們」的「子」，卻是「無生之始，無命之終」（來七3）；雖是在伯利恆產下的嬰孩，「他的根源從亙古，從太初就有」（彌五2）。

Schizophrenia 經神分裂症

Here I am again in Limbo, 因爲往緬甸的簽證再次莫名其妙的要我等。

Hence I spend my days visiting people and preparing lessons in advance. Today I decided to stay home to read a book on lent to me by a volunteer counsellor. So I spent the afternoon finishing "Recovered Grace: Schizophrenia" by Harris Ng, who tells of his personal struggle with the disease, surviving four breakdowns (three relapses) and finally overcoming it, and even becoming a care-giver to mental patients.

His encounters remind me of several persons I have come across (I had never realised there were so many!) There was SM, from my final batch of army recruits just before I finished fulltime national service. When he went berserk, I was already out of the army, but was informed by his camp-mates. My visit to Woodbridge was exactly as Harris described: 20-30 pairs of hands strecthed towards you along the fenced corridors, concurrent with the relentless rattle of "Jit Kak, Jit Kak...(10 cents or 一角in Hokkien)". It was habitual for the "inmates" but frightening for the initial visitor.

Harris wrote about misjudgment of his mental case as demonic and the disastrous assumption of successful spiritual deliverence in a charismatic church. The case of SF, a young Malaysian girl in her twenties who studied in Taipei, was the exact opposite. Her onset was too sudden and not traceable to any likely factors, eg stress. In fact it could be traced to a spiritual cause, and she regained her sanity after a week of prayer without medication. But unfortunately, she had a relapse after returning to her school; doctors diagnosed her as suffering from 宗教幻想症 (religious hallucination) and she was never allowed to contact our church again. It's been more than 2 years, and she has not recovered. I have personally seen a successful case - of a 17-year-old girl who recovered perfectly without medication, after on month of prayer. Afterwhich, she completed her polytechnic studies, went overseas to obtain her undergraduate and post-graduate degrees. She is now working. No relapse.

In the initial period of Harris' illness, he struggled with religious loyalties. He asked within himself: "Mum, if I were to accept Jesus as real and take Him into my heart as Lord, would I have condemned you to Hell?" Immediately, 19-year-old "B" from Taiwan came to mind. Two years ago, he was torn between true Christian doctrine and the teachings of the Latter Day Saints, and suffered a few mental breakdowns. Doctors barred him from all religious activities. Now he seems to have recovered, but baptised a Mormon. Nevertheless his inquisitve mind found opportunity to ask me some questions when I met him 4 months ago. He genuinely wanted answers - as a perfectionist and one always impatient to get to the bottom of things. As he agonised over the answers, he suddenly asked: "我是不是想太多？我多麽希望能像其他同年齡的孩子，不必為這些事煩惱”。But he has now learnt to relax, and let go. But this means taking the path of least resistance. This means remaining status quo. We still chat occassionally on msn. Once he said, "How I wish you are Mormon". I replied,"How I wish you are TJC".

We catch a glimpse of similar sentiment in Harris' book: "The belief systems of the world were strange, chaotic and dark. They lead to inherent conflicts and disagreement. Again, I knew I was a kind of a prefectionist to have said that. I wanted to reconcile all the different beliefs and to cast conflicts and bloodshed into the oceans. I wished for a peaceful, perfect world where there were no tears. Somehow I knew this could not come about here on Earth, the world would battle and fight. There was sadness sown deep in my eyes. It was a heavy burden laden upon my shoulders. I pondered over the clash of civilisations. Although my two colleagues were working together, they never shared the same perception in life. They eat at different tables, one would fear the presence of pork in the menu and the other would feel an extreme discomfort if he saw anyone consuming beef. The world itself is schizophrenic... "

Recently, I was led to a one-room flat in Toa Payoh, where Alfred lives. A bachelor in his 50s, he thinks he is seriosly ill, drinks only distilled water, feeds his scrawny body with a special diet. He said God is keeping him alive to torture him. He called this "predestination". Sounds like Harris, who asked:"Am I predestined to be a mental case, to go through all the sufferrings?" How Satan uses biblical concepts to confuse and deceive!

When I read of Harris' recovery even after 4 breakdowns due to default in medication, I wished that M would quickly do something for her daughter who sunk into mental illness, shutting herself in her room, refusing to eat. She was on the road to recovery under the treatment of IMH, but the doctor warned that should she default on her medication, she would need to be dependant on medication for life once a relapse happens. She stopped her medication for about 2 months. Then she had a relapse...

The Beach Boys

Yesterday I visited them again - the few men in their twilight years whom I dubbed "The Beach Boys" when I first met them more than two years ago. The name was out of convenience, since they lived in the same block of one-room flats at Beach Road.

Walter, almost seventy, used to work as a singer. He was baptised last month - a pleasant surprise to me, for I remember him having some doubts about a year ago when I came back for term break. Now he seems determined to stick to his new-found faith.

I heard about Xxng's demise when I was still in Taiwan - another surprise, for the quiet, honest looking, fifty-something bachelor who spoke Cantonese, had died of AIDS. I was told yesterday, that he was dragged by his frends to patronise a whorehouse for the first time when he received his CPF money about 3 years ago. Good for him that before the HIV dealt a fatal blow, he had stumbled into the fold of the One who forgave prostitutes. I'd like to teach him to sing: "Grace, grace, God's grace, grace that is greater than all my sin". Who knows, perhaps he's already prefected the pitch under the tutorage of some angel.

Then there's Axxxxx, who rejoices that he doesn't have to continue to live in regret. Though some mistake in his personal history resulted in his estrangement from his family, now he is never really alone, whether in his one-room flat or out cycling on his bike. Constantly keeping him company is his long list of prayers and scriptures memorised and meditated upon over the recent years. He can stand on the this side of sanity and talk about others - in this neighbourhood of old folks - who have yet to find solace in the Saviour.

My heart rests with the comfortable assurance that GOD IS LOVE.

無電月更明

在仰光的最後幾天，晚上又停電了。那時我不想又在燭光下看書，乾脆出去納涼，看到深藍的空中懸著七分圓的月亮，當時覺得整個畫面很迷人，趕緊去拿相機把它拍下。

可能因爲過幾天就要回家，所以人在異鄉看月亮也不會「地頭思故鄉」。當然，如果望久一點，不缺情感的我多少會產生一點詩意，但那時只是來不及打蚊子。

隔天晚上又停電，那時更晚了，天已不是深藍，而是變得黑漆漆，提摩太傳道在旁邊問：「聽説新加坡的城市裡，沒有機會看到很多星星，對嗎？」我回答說：「是的，月也沒有這裡的亮。」隨後進屋内拿相機，但因爲太暗，拍起來不好看，只能把「無電月更明」的事實存在心裡。

"St Lazarus, pray for us"

有一天晚上，仰光又停電，學生們問我要不要同他們去散步，其實我很想，可是急著備課，尤其沒電需要更多時間，所以就沒去。

學生們回來後一陣子，我走出房門跟他們聊天，看到其中一位，胸上有一張貼紙，把它撕下來看，原來圖案是一個拿拐杖f的人，上方有英文字：“ST. LAZARUS PRAY FOR US”。他們說是附近天主教堂迎接“Christmas” 的方式，就是看到人就貼上這sticker, 還有喝酒賭博呢！

在此先不談“Christmas”，也不談喝酒賭博。但我覺得這些人請拉撒路為他們代禱真的太扯了。首先，他只是耶穌比喻中的人物，非屬真實，如果拉撒路可算是聖人，可爲人代禱，那麽，好撒瑪利亞人豈不更是？

再説，在拉撒路的比喻中，他根本無法幫那財主，好選不選，怎麽選他當代禱人？這些濫用主名喝酒賭博的天主教徒，怎麽能得到幫助？

往哪裏去？

緬甸免電

緬甸的電源完全來自水力，只有雨季時才全日有電能。上個月去的時候，雨季剛過不久，還能享有兩天不中斷的電，但第三天傍晚，在浴室裏突然沒電，一片黑暗，心裏正想，摸索洗澡也蠻刺激，就有人敲門送來一根小蠟燭。從那天起，蠟燭便隨時派上用場，因爲電能供應無定時，完全沒有警告就停電，而且一天可能停幾次。

有一晚，學生們正準備考試，還沒動筆就停電，只得靠燭光寫考卷，這是我有生以來首次看到的。

接下來的日子，每天停電，而有電的時間越來越短，在那4個星期裏，沒電的時間超過有電的時間。不解的是，很多時候是白天有電，晚上沒電，所以幾乎每天晚上學生們要在燭光下溫習功課，討論作業等。我也常靠閃爍的燭光備課，起初很不習慣，所以用小型手電筒補光，然而，一週後，眼睛適應了，覺得燭光還蠻亮的。

還好我不完全依賴電腦，所以沒電也照樣備課，寫講章。有時乾脆早點睡覺，等黎明才繼續。有時晚上九點以前，就上牀休息，淩晨3點電來了，就爬起來工作，所以那段日子的作息，可說是隨著電能的供應。

我很希奇爲什麽學生當中沒有一個需要戴眼鏡的。我們這些先進都市的居民，有足夠的燈光，營養又充足，視力反倒不佳。有電，反倒眼睛被電所害？電腦、電視、蠟燭，那個才是眼睛的損友？



燭光晚餐，也是緬甸生活的常態，並且吃的時候要憑信心，不憑眼見，因爲桌上燭光引昆蟲，桌下蚊香驅蚊子。

等待

昨天下午從緬甸回來，這次去了4個星期，是最久的一次，也是在去之前受到最大阻擋的一次。

之前簽證都是透過旅行社辦，去了10幾次，從來沒問題，這回第一次自己到大使館去申請，卻一直碰釘子，不知何故，就是問東問西，去了三次，重新填了6次的表格，連tourist visa 也不批下！

第一次，我把表格交上後，誒，怎麽還叫我坐下等，從早上11點等到下午12點45分。因爲已經跟人約好吃午餐，所以到櫃檯問問看：

「先生，你的櫃檯顯示CLOSED FOR LUNCH，我也需要去lunch appointment，可不可以先去吃飯再回來等？」

「你不早說！」

我心裏想，這跟早說不早說有什麽關聯？難道不說就不用吃飯，呆呆的繼續等，並且，要等什麽？

隨後他把我的申請表格還給我，說：「你需要申請商務簽證」

「但是我不是去辦商務呀。。。」

他才不管，我也只好摸摸鼻子走了。

兩天後再去，。。。又等呀等呀。。。到3點多也不敢離開。之後，同樣那位仁兄還怪說我跑掉，讓他找不到我。事實上，我一步也沒離開過！Good heavens, what is happening?

滿腔熱血期待趕緊投入聖工，神卻要我等待，而等待的功夫實在不容易，尤其莫名奇妙的等待，存有許多未知數的等待，不知何時結束的等待。。。

星期一將再申請 visa 去緬甸，希望一切順利，19日能再去，我計劃一次逗留3個月。

Anyhow, 等待是我的功課，幾學分是未知數。